February 11, 2003

• Fags in Church

  
  

  To continue this questioning of organized religion, I took the opportunity to talk to different pastors, sat in different denominations, and talked to a counselor who’s expertise was religion and sexuality. I learned oodles.

  
  

  I had fortunately surrounded myself with people who were supportive, although their attempt to understand the pressures of finding a middle ground between being a homo and a good Christian boy was more troublesome then helpful. One was being a straight pastor who had given me the suggestion to get in contact with an “ex-gay” who lived a “gay lifestyle” – whatever that may be. I knew his intentions were good, but I would have rather killed myself than live a life as a spinster, knitting shalls with mauve colored twine. 

  
  

  I visited a gay church. My counselor, who looked like a slightly larger Elizabeth Shue, suggested that I visit this gay church in north Hollywood. It seemed a bit odd when I first entered that church… especially when there were flaming homosexuals exclaiming “Praisssse Jesssusss!” and lesbians sporting leather jackets and a hairstyle that oddly resembled a mullet. I felt uncomfortable in my pieu. Not only was I the youngest homo in the room, I thought “This is blasphemy! What are these sexual deviants doing worshipping a God that supposedly sees them as EVIL?” And we sang gospel songs, with the word “s” having a sharp hissing sound.

  
  

  Yet as I sat inbetween a man who was ridiculously tan and a woman who looked like a fat boy, I began to think… “Wow. This is actually beautiful.” The reasoning? That these homos were able to overcome all this social, political, religious pressure to hide their sexuality. That these fags, dykes, and queers maintained their faith in the face of American, puritanical opposition. These people still believed in the love, forgiveness, and acceptance of God. It was beautiful to see that faith in motion.

  
  

  So I left, a door in my head totally swinging open. Hallelujah. And it was uplifting to know that there was an opportunity for me to practice my faith while being a glorified fag. I could even wear a feather boa and not feel that bad about it… not that I would… cuz that’s really gay… 

  
  

  But it was also somewhat discomforting for me to know that within the Christian religion, there can be such a dichotomy between acceptance and rejection… That there are those total right wing, Christian fundamentalists who honestly believe that homos will burn eternally in the fires of HELL. While there are other denominations who have a rainbow plastered on the walls and Judy Garland blasting in the background. And we’re all saved?

  
  

  Everything is based on interpretation. From Christianity to Hinduism to Shamanism to Witchcraft to Festivus. If there’s so much interpretation within Christianity, who’s to say which one is the absolute truth? Sure, it’s what you really believe in. It’s your faith. But how can we really know which God is the true God? I suppose you can’t really know until you’re dead and maggots start consuming your flesh.

  
  

  So that’s that. I still believe that there is a God out there… whether if it’s Jesus Christ or just an overwhelming force that we can never understand in this mortal world.

  
  

  Things are always in motion.

  • 3:48 pm
  • 3 Comments